I’ve been on this magnificent earth long enough to finally accept that my life exists on a plane somewhere outside of the box, particularly when it comes to career.
I grow restless when life feels stagnant, even when it’s beautiful. Working the typical, stable job that I wish I had the attention span to love ignites some kind of deeply hard-wired restlessness in my brain. Somewhere inside of me, a wild animal feels caged and scratches at the bars, begging to roam free.
I’ve never understood this about myself, but as I grow older, I am beginning to accept this trait. Perhaps one day I will fully embrace it, though it was never cultivated in my upbringing. Quite the opposite, in fact. I was taught to admire stability and security, and spontaneity and risk were discouraged.
I understand why. Having two children of my own, I stress and worry that they will grow up to be stable and have enough money to live comfortably. On the flip side, I also want them to find careers they love. I know this means there is a chance that, like me, working a “normal” 9-5 job might not be what brings them joy. Living a life off the beaten path adds a lot of unknown to the equation, which can be difficult to accept gracefully as a parent.
There is no shame in fitting within the norm. There’s also nothing wrong with recognizing your life fits better outside of the box.
Somewhere along the journey of college, teaching, becoming a professional ballroom dancer and instructor, motherhood, a move to Seattle to satisfy my husband’s job crush of working for a large tech company, a return to college, half a decade of working in law, and finally, a return to teaching… I realized something extremely important about myself: I do not fit in the box.
The box. That beautiful, clean, straightforward box of pursuing a passion, finding a career, and feeling fulfilled. Working a job that you know you were meant to do. A calling. I imagine fitting within the box to be a gloriously content, beautiful state of being.
I’ve always wanted that for myself. Desperately. My husband fits in that box. Most of the people I love live in it. I thought I belonged in it, too, but something was horribly askew every time I found myself in a new career after the newness wore off.
Eventually, I’d start feeling that wild animal inside me panicking again. That uncomfortable voice whispering in the back of my mind hey fool… you belong outside of this box. Then came the big question every time. The one I’d beg my subconscious to stop asking.
What do I want from life?
I have never been the naturally content dancer, teacher, paralegal, or stay-a-home mom regardless of how hard I strived to become that person. I accepted a teaching award with a huge smile and a massive sense of accomplishment while still managing to feel like a fraud. I’ve struggled to make myself at home at every job I’ve held, placing photos of my family at my desk and my mini Keurig somewhere nearby, begging the universe to let me finally feel a sense of belonging.
The comforting sense of belonging within the box has always been temporary. It’s a battle I have grown weary of fighting. I have always lived life off the beaten path, and it’s the only way I find peace.
I am a wanderer, a restless adventurer. My sense of contentment is satisfied when I am outdoors seeking the next magnificent view from a mountaintop. My unquiet mind is soothed by running along a trail or clinging to a rock by my fingertips knowing that when I fall the rope will catch me, even if the next bolt to place my quickdraw is still three feet and a crux away and the fall is longer than I am tall. Peace is being on my yoga mat. It’s my face burning from smiling too much while thumping around on my mountain bike in the chilly wind.
I am constantly seeking the next adventure and an incredible view, and I love to meet people pushing through their own journeys along the way.
I am an athlete, certified yoga teacher, wandering soul, and adventure seeker. Finding inspiration and learning from others is invaluable. Being a student first is a priority for me. When I think I’ve mastered something, I know I have closed my mind to learning… and I never want to reach that point. I feel like working a “typical” job directly conflicts with these values for me.
I’m not sure when “normal” and “desirable” became synonymous with the idea that we must choose a career path at 17, go to college, and work that job until retirement. Yes, that’s one way to live… but idealizing that life teaches us that we are somehow failing if our life follows a different path.
It’s a wonderful thing to fit in the box. But it’s also beautiful if you live life outside of the box and prefer the road less traveled.
